There’s a new wave of different partying experiences; silent parties, cooler fetes, even party buses, but by far the worst trend right now is the breakfast party. I’m aware that for some people breakfast parties are a god-send, the perfect antidote to a boring party scene and fits into their schedule perfectly. That’s great and I’m really happy for those people. However, I’m here to represent the others. The people who are rational but are having difficulty articulating, that early in the morning, why getting up at five a.m. to drink and be social is absolutely unacceptable.

1. Rum is not part of a well rounded breakfast. A healthy breakfast consists of protein, carbs and fruit. Usually after a good’s night rest, you haven’t ingested anything in a while, essentially fasting. These foods are good to give you energy throughout the day. Alcohol does give you energy, however it also intoxicates you, especially on an empty stomach. What kind of monster wants to be drunk before ten a.m.?
2. Seven a.m. is not an appropriate time to be socializing. No-one likes anyone early in the morning. It is inhumane to make people talk to each when they have just gotten up. Even worse it is cruel to make them get up before they would naturally and then attack them with loud music. Why are you like this?
3. There is never any proper seating. It is a party so generally speaking you are supposed to be up and dancing. However, you got people to your ‘party’ with the lure of food, but you didn’t give them a proper place to eat their breakfast. So now, I am tired, drunk and trying to balance my plate on top of my drink. Real smart. Did you really make me get out of comfy bed for this nonsense?
4. The rest of your day is ruined. Okay, so lets say you went to a breakfast party and had a good time (however unlikely that may seem). Now what? It is at least midday and you are drunk AND tired. The most you can hope for is a quick nap and no hangover. However, there is no way that you are going to do anything productive that day. Plus, your sleep cycle is probably totally out of whack, so tomorrow is already off to a rough start. Did you really just ruin two days of my life?

In conclusion, don’t try to wake me up before ten a.m. on the weekend to go to your hell hole, you fiend.